It is almost impossible to put into words the lack of emotion, heck even the lack of thought that I felt when I saw that thick blue line. I wanted to smile, no I definitely did smile, but then I wanted to cry. I didn't cry, (just in case you little kiwi, happen to read this).
I'd made the decision to share this life changing moment with my hubby and having weed on a few too many sticks before, I thought this one would be similar. I thought we'd revel in a moment of 'what if'; before the reality that we couldn't yet be parents knotted in our stomachs only to be comforted by the confusing not pregnant symbol on a stupid plastic stick. How wrong was I? The usual two minute wait never came. Just seconds after I emptied my bladder, there it was. The most obvious of obvious thick blue lines, peeping across the screen in a candid "I'm here" way.
Thinking back, it was a confusing moment, the grin Mr P sported gleamed across the bathroom. His eyes radiated with excitement and I'm pretty sure he actually jumped for joy - excuse the pun. He kissed me, he hugged me, he smiled a bit more. He was going to become a Dad, we were going to be parents, but all I could think was: I'm going to get fat.
Ridiculous. I know. In hindsight I think my mind sort-of froze, it began to work in overdrive thinking about all the things I needed to do, all the things that were going to change, all the people I'd have to tell, and then it conked out. I couldn't string more than a sentence together and I felt hazed in emotion. Mr P questioned me and doubted my happiness. I mean, we'd been married for two and a half years, we'd both graduated, it was a logical next step, but so was leaving to go travel, or getting a suit and desk job in the city.
Bemused, to say the least. I was happy and yet I was scared. Two emotions that mix in the most peculiar of ways. Two emotions that sort of curdle together.
And that was finding out.
- Mamma Pea x
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